What the Dogs Have Taught Me Does Your Cat Own You? Does Your Dog Own You? How Dogs Compare to Man You Know You Have Gone to the Dogs When... What the Dogs Have Taught Me from Late Night with David Letterman: The Book by Merrill Markoe Daily Routine The day is divided into two important sections: meal time - and everything else. Meal Time Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually result in food. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell or considered gum. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging means nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip. Everything Else There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture. Personal Safety At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard. Recreation and Leisure Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out. Health: In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the Physician. Since I have taken to sleeping under the bed, I have come to know tranquillity I never imagined possible. You never really know when it might be cookie time. And that's what the dogs have taught me. [return to top] Does Your Cat Own You? See how many questions you answer YES to. Do you select your friends based on how well your cat likes them? Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress? Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month? Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter? Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have? Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move? Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers? Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork? Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it? Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator? Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote? Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in? Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on on a bad date? Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up? [return to top] Does Your Dog Own You? See how many questions apply to YOU. You believe every dog is a lap dog If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s) You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names You let the neighbor's dog sleep over You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over [return to top] How Dogs Compare to Man How Dogs and Man are the Same Both take up too much space on the bed Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning Both are threatened by their own kind Both mark their territory Both are bad at asking you questions Neither tells you what is bothering them The smaller ones tend to be more nervous Neither does dishes Neither of them notice when you get your hair done Both like dominance games Both are suspicious of the postman Neither know how to talk on the phone Neither understands what you see in cats How Dogs are Better Than Man Dogs do not have a problem expressing affection in public Dogs miss you when you are gone Dogs feel guilty when they have done something wrong Dogs don't criticize your friends Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out Dogs don't play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at the way you throw) Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence You can train a dog Dogs are easy to buy for You are never suspicious of a dog's dreams Dogs understand what NO means Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come inside Middle aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner Dogs admit it when they're lost Dogs are color blind Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more money than they do Dogs mean it when they kiss you Where Men are Better Than Dogs Men only have two feet that track in mud Men can buy you presents Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block Men are a little bit more subtle Men don't hike their leg to pee on every post they pass Men don't eat turds on the sly Dogs have dog breath all the time Men can do math Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it [return to top] You Know You've Gone to the Dogs When... You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard but no small children Lint wheels are on your shopping list each week The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink to keep the dog out of it while you are at work You can't see out of the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose prints all over it Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy Your dog sleeps with you Your dog eats cat poop but you still let her kiss you You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times You talk about your dog the way others talk about their children You sign and send birthday, anniversary, and Christmas cards from your dog You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable You have your dog's picture on your desk but no one else's You hang around the dog section of the bookstore You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk Your parents refer to your dog as their Granddog You keep an extra water dish in your second floor bedroom in case your dog gets thirsty at night Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta You make popcorn just to play catch with the dog And the number one reason you know you are a dog person is that your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site [return to top]